how i learned to love myself

Uff, insecurity, we all have it sometimes, it can hit us and tear us down or it can just be laying there. For me insecurity started affecting me really young, I think I was maybe around 11 or 12, I was always the chubby kid, all the way through elementary school I listened to other people's opinions about my body, I listened to them but I didn't actually process them, because, c'mon I was 11, but they did affect me later on. (btw prepare your eyes cause you're about to see some pretty lame pictures of me)

Here is little 10 year old tonahlli, and yeah i was fat, so my mental image of myself started changing, I started to feel self-conscious, started to be aware of all the things I ate, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror, and I was so young, no one should feel like this, specially at this age.

I also was in an environment in school that didn't help at all, I had just moved to another city, and even though i didn't struggle to fit in, it was still difficult.

Beacause people just have to say something, "Hey, are you gonna eat all that?", "Mmm, maybe you shouldn't wear that", "Oh we don't want you in the team", maybe it's not so hurtful, but to an 11 year old, it is.

I was just trying to figure out what the fuck was going on with my life, with who I was, but no! my mind decided that my weight was more important.

On top of that, my health was at risk, see, diabetes runs through my family, and i wasn't exactly the healthiest kid. And I remember distinctly when I decided to get "better", I was with my parents and my aunts and I poured myself a glass of lemonade, which was basically soda, and my aunt told me that it was better to drink water I just snapped at her and told her that I could do whatever I wanted, she told me to take better care of myself, that's when i realized that I could change the way looked, the way I felt about myself, so i got up and did it.

I started exercising and watching what i ate in a healthy way, went to doctors and I started changing, I changed schools and made new friends, but I felt empty inside, I was sad all the time and didn't have the will to do anything, I did stuff because i had to, and I still, hated my body.

I started to starve myself, never for long because I was afraid, afraid of my parents finding out, afraid of something happening to me. The mental pain that I was in was unbeliavle, so, to dristract myself from the mental pain, I started cutting myself, never too deep, just enough so it would bleed, and enough that i could see the blood, that comforted me, it distracted me from the mess that was my mind.

But my body did change, I was getting healthier and i dropped 11 kilos in three months, which is a lot, I started to notice it in my mental health as well, I started dancing again, hiphop to be precise, and I loved it, I found what I love to do, but there was a part of me that just couldn't stop being sad, I was still cutting myself, just not that often anymore.

I started reading all of this cases of people that did the same thing I was doing, people that struggled with their weight and with the way they looked, people that got over it, people that were healthy and happy, I wanted that, I wanted that so bad, I remember crying myself to sleep, just waiting to see if anything, anything at all would change. I tried so hard to fit into all of the molds that I saw everywhere, I wanted to be skinny and I wanted a thigh gap, I was miserable.

On top of all of this I was incredibly shy, I couldn't even stand up infront of the class to give a presentation, I couldn't speak infront of new people, I stuttered and messed up everytime I opened my mouth, in that moment I hit rock bottom. I was waiting for someone to rescue me, I wanted someone to talk to, but I was also ashamed. Ashamed of how bad I felt , ashamed of myself for felling that way, ashamed of feeling useless and worthless. I felt like i had no one to talk to, how do you explain to someone else that you just want to die?

It took me a while to understand that no one was going to save me, but myself. Only I could get myself of the hole that I was in, I decided to start building myself up, I exposed myself to situations that i was not comfortable in, started to step out of my comfort zone, started making new friends, getting closer to the ones that I already had, and things started to change, and at first I didn't actually feel better, but i figured that if i told myself that I was better, it would eventually become true, and I was right.

Something else that i remember very clearly is that one summer i was invited to a pool party, i had just watched a video by buzzfeed of plus size women wearing bikinis to the beach, and for the first time I was like "hey, they look like me, they feel great about themselves, why can't i?" so I told my mom, "hey I need a bikini" so we went to find the perfect one, and I told her, "I will probably regret this the moment that I start trying them on, but don't let me walk out of here without one", and I bought my first bikini and i loved it, I loved the feeling of being free and not caring about what other said or did.

I was incredibly happy, I was healthy and I loved myself, and I didn't care if i was still a bit chubby, I embraced it and i wanted everyone to do so too, I wanted everyone to love themselves the way I did, cause I just didn't want anyone to feel the way I felt. So I started to be positive and to spread good and kind things, and it worked, because people told me that they loved the way I loved myself, and that they wanted that for themselves too, I felt empowered, I finally accepted myself.

I finally felt like I was happy and whole.

---

I moved to germany in august of 2017, and I gained weight, like, a lot. See, germans just love their bread, they eat it for breakfast, for lunch, for dinner, they eat it all the time, and my mexican body just decided to gain 10 kilos, and I started noticing it, and it started to fuck me up, cause even though I tried to stay positive and active and stuff like that, it's still a battle that you have to fight.

And then i started to not fit in my old clothes and my pants didn't zip all the way up, and my shirts were just too tight and I was like well I can get through this, but it did affect me, and i started to feel sad, and alone again, and i wanted to rip my tummy off, and to change myself again, but not in a healthy way, I panicked cause i didn't wanna relapse and fall into bad habits again.

So when i came home, to mexico, i felt like a waste, i started having anxiety attacks all over again, and the thoughts of hurting myself were back, and I'm still struggling, sometimes I absolutely hate what I see in the mirror, sometimes I don't wanna get out of bed, and sometimes I ask myself if this is even worth it, but the answer is always yes.

Cause i know I am the shit, I know what my value is, and even though I hate myself sometimes at the end of the day it doesn't matter, cause it's all part of the process.

I know that my self love and the love that others have for me will always outweight the feeling of hate and emptiness.

I love myself and you should too.